Weddings

Do you officiate at LGBTQ+ ceremonies? 

Absolutely!  I happily officiate at LGBTQ+ ceremonies, and I'm happy to be guided by your wishes.  Sometimes on this page, I refer to "bride" and "groom," but that language changes based on what suits you.  We can formulate the ceremony for two brides, two grooms, two spouses or partners, or take gendered language out of it.  The traditional ketubah and ceremony have been rendered in other gendered language in the formations found in the appendix here.  For example, per Rabbi Aaron Alexander's position, the 7 Blessings may be modified as follows:

One could recite the fourth blessing just as it is found in all ceremonies.  In the sixth blessing, the hatima (closing words) could be: barukh...m'sameah kalah v'kalah, hatan v'hatan, re'ot ha-ahuvot, or re'im ha-ahuvim.   In the seventh blessing, the opening could include kalah v'kalah, hatan v'hatan, re'ot ha-ahuvot, or re'im ha-ahuvim. Near the end, after kol sasson v'kol simha, one could include the same possibilities. The last line before the hatimah, in place of hattanim (bridegrooms), one could substitute re'im ha-ahuvim or it could be left as it is found. The closing hatimah would include barukh...m'sameah [as above].

Do you officiate at marriages in which one partner is not Jewish?

As a Conservative rabbi, I am required to officiate only at ceremonies in which both persons are Jewish by matrilineal descent.  This is a policy I advocate to change, but until I am given discretion, I must abide by it.  Another limitation is that I cannot officiate during Shabbat or a Jewish holiday, or during the three weeks leading up to Tisha B'Av during the summer.

Where do I get a Ketubah?  Is there special language I should be getting?  Are you flexible about the text?

Many today find their ketubot on Etsy or Ketubah.com -- it is up to you.  I will honor most any ketubah language or version that you choose.  Should you be drawn to "Orthodox," I recommend you choose instead "Conservative" since the latter adds a short clause that a Beit Din (tribunal of rabbis) may grant a Jewish divorce in the case when an acrimonious husband refuses to do so as leverage in divorce proceedings.  This is an important modern statement for gender equality.  

Also, the Jewishly binding language is the Hebrew part, not the English translation.  For this reasons, most ketubot don't use direct translations from the Hebrew, but use more spiritual (rather than legal) language.  This is thoroughly appropriate.  Feel free to match a traditional Hebrew text with an English text that speaks to you.

Is there anything you need from me, rabbi, in order to help you personalize our ceremony?

Yes.  Please provide me a list of siblings, parents, friends (and their email addresses), so I can reach out to them by email to offer to include a little of their advice for your future.  They often have insights that bring that personal touch, and love, into my remarks.

I also ask you to provide me a list of all the ritual objects you're using that have personal meaning to you.  Does a ring, tallit, kiddush cup, etc. have a sentimental or family meaning attached to it? 

In addition, I ask that you write me a letter – each of you—about why you’ve chosen to marry this person.  What attracted you to this person?  What told you this was “the one”?  What qualities, values personality traits, commitments, have cemented your love for this person?  Tell me anything that will help me understand your love for one another.  Don’t show it to your fiancé.   E-mail it to me.  Your letters will tell me much about you and your relationship, and that will be helpful in planning my remarks at the wedding.  If there is anything you wish me to not include in the ceremony, please indicate that.  Also, if you decide, "You know what?  We'd like to read these letters to each other during the ceremony!" then I would welcome that, and I will abbreviate my remarks accordingly. 

What is your professional fee for officiating?

If you are a member of Beth Israel, there is no fee for my services.  If not, I ask that a contribution be made to Beth Israel.

Can you invite you to our reception?

I am greatly honored by your thought, but don't save a spot for me.   I will stay after the ceremony to greet your family and guests, and then gracefully depart.

In the months PRECEDING the wedding, you’ll need to arrange for the following, and bring them to the wedding ceremony…

1. State Marriage License.  

2. Wedding rings (according to Jewish tradition, the bride’s ring must be whole, unbroken, with no stones). 

3. Ketubah ( If you need help filling it in, you should bring it in at least two weeks before your wedding date).  If you are looking for a Ketubah, check: Ketubah.com, Etsy, as well as other websites and Judaica stores.  We'll talk about the options.  Get a start on this early, especially if you're ordering from Etsy.  Give the designer my email so they can proof it with me.  You choose the text that speaks to you.

FOR YOUR CEREMONY, YOU WILL NEED:

4.  One Kiddush cup or wine goblet.  (Rabbi can provide if you want.)  If you register for one you'll use in your life, get it early so we can use it!

5.  A bottle of Kosher wine (I suggest white), pre-uncorked.

6. A glass or light bulb(s) to break.  (Rabbi can provide.)

7. Huppah (Wedding Canopy).

8. Head covering (kippah) for the groom.

9. Small table for all this stuff (next to the chuppah)

10.   Microphone arrangements for under the chuppah.

11.   Easel and Frame for Displaying the Ketubah after it's signed.

Translation by Rabbi Nadav Caine

Our God,
You fill the universe with your blessings,

You create of the fruit of the vine.
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You created everything as a reflection of the divine.
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You fashioned humanity.
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You endowed humanity with a holy power and pattern forever.
~
May the Holy Land, so long, sad and barren, come alive with the rejoicing of her children.
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May You grant great happiness to these two beloveds, giving them a taste of the contentment of the Garden of Eden. Blessed are You, Eternal, who brings a unique happiness to a groom and a bride.*
~
You created joy and happiness, bride and groom, celebration, singing, delight and cheer, love and friendship, harmony and companionship. May there ever be heard in the cities of Judah, in the streets of Jerusalem, the sounds of joy and happiness, the sounds of bride and groom, the sounds of rejoicing at weddings and wedding feasts. You, the source of all blessings, bring bride and groom together to delight in one another.

Alternative Language to be more inclusive of non-Jewish relatives

Inclusive Sheva Berakhot by Rabbi Nadav Caine:

God, whose ways order the universe, you brought forth the fruit of the vine, endowing the Creation with the potential to produce sweetness, intoxication, and sanctity. 

God, whose ways order the universe, you have created everything from your Presence.

And from that presence, you have fashioned each human being.

And within each human being, you have gifted a uniqueness of you, and planted within that soul  their own vision of You and a vision of a path to flourish in their lives.

May all who are sad and desolate, now come alive with our celebrating these two beloveds (for love and commitment are the sacred root of hope).

(And so, by combining their two visions of You, and intertwining their paths into one, we pray) Let these loving friends taste the bliss you bestowed upon the first couple in the Garden of Eden in the days of old.  You are the holy presence who dwells with bride and groom (or: newlyweds) in their special happiness.

May God light your lives with the path that leads from happiness to contentment, peace to companionship, friendship to harmony, laughter to song, celebration to sanctity, and the path that leads you to each other continually.  May you experience the gift of being best friends with the one you love, and may you forever hear the ringing of today’s raucousness and wishes of the friends and family surrounding you at your wedding feast.  Praised are You, God, who brings bride and groom together to delight in one another. 
 

For non "Bride and Groom":  You tell me your favorite self-description.